The Colts

I've decided to update.  It's sort of becoming a tradition, that after 9 months off, I start updating my xanga with stupid stuff for three months until my schedule begins to get too difficult for me to keep up.  But there is also another burgeoning tradition here, that goes all the way back to my ill advised use of Blurty back in 2003.  And that, my fair readers, is my annual Indianapolis Colts hate fest.

            A. Bartlett Giamatti, baseball commissioner, once said of America's sport "It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone."  I've always liked this quote, partly because I love the game of baseball.  But interestingly enough, this quote also mirrors my relationship to the Indianapolis Colts.

            I've been a Colts fan for as fall back as I remember.  My dad and uncle were Colts fans, going back to the days of Johnny U (who would be the patron saint of my family if it wasn't for Mickey Mantle). I have a theory that when fathers pass on their sporting rituals to their sons (or daughters I would presume) one of two things happen.  A.) They rebel and become a fan of the team his father hates the most or B.) They become just a fervent follower of their father's team.  Unfortunately, I chose the latter.

            See I was a Colts fan before I was a football fan, just like I was a Yankees fan before I was a baseball fan.  My Dad taught me this way.  But it was through these teams that I became fans of the sport - Bernie Williams, Andy Pettitte, and Don Mattingly made me care about baseball because they were Yankees.  And the 1995 Colts really made me care about football.

            They were a gritty little team, that's what the sportswriters and talking heads told me.  My favorite player on that team was number 4, Jim Harbaugh.  He was the guy who took my jersey virginity.  I think I wore that blue, university striped, jersey to school every week in third grade.  Mom couldn't wash it fast enough.  But that's what usually happens with the guy who takes your jersey virginity - he makes you act in irrational ways.

            As for the player himself, Jimmy Harbaugh was a tough player.  The type of guy who often had adjectives like "blue collar" and "lunch pail" thrown in front of his name.  He led a few comebacks that year and the media took to calling him Captain Comeback.  Not all that original, but it caught on.  In all honesty, he was sort of like a white, poor man's Steve McNair.  He was mobile, took lots of big hits, and wasn't afraid to lower his shoulder like a sissy.  In fact, I remember one play near the end zone, where he ran a bootleg out to his left.  About a yard from the goal line, he gets hit by some defender, but manages to stretch his arm out and score the touchdown.  He had a pretty good arm too, I want to say he was more accurate than McNair, but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me (OK, looking at profootballreference.com, McNair was clearly better passing and running, but not as much as you probably thought.  Look it up).  In any event, he was a B level QB, not a Marino or Montana by any stretch of the imagination, but a guy who could win some games for you.

            While Harbaugh was my favorite payer on the team, Marshall Faulk was probably the best player.  He was always getting turf toe though, that's all I really remember about him playing for the Colts.  Sean Dawkins was the number one receiver (whom we'll get to later) and the two defensive players I remember were a juiced up linebacker named Herrod and Ray Buchanan.  The fullback was Zach Crockett, who ran for 140 some yards against the Chargers in a playoff game when Faulk was out with turf toe.

            After they upset the Chargers in that first playoff game, they went into Arrowhead to face the number 1 seed, the Chiefs.  They edged out a victory, despite Dan Dierdorf telling us the whole game how good the Chiefs are.  I hate Dan Dierdorf.  That win put the Colts, now being called a Cinderella team, in the AFC championship game against the Steelers.  We're talking about the Steelers who had a Kordell Stewart when he actually was "Slash," he was a QB/WR hybrid.  He even caught a touchdown in this game - a bad call though: he only had one foot inbounds when he caught the ball.  Instant replay would've overturned it, easily.  But that play wasn't even the killer.  On the final play of the game, the Colts down 20-16, my boy Jimmy threw up a Hail Mary.  The ball was batted around in the end zone and fell onto Sean Dawkins stomach.  All he had to do was wrap the ball.  That's it.  But he didn't, and some defender jumped on the ball that was lying on his friggin' stomach, and the play was incomplete.  (Let it be noted that the play runs in slow mo in my mind, these events actually occurred within like two seconds of real time).  Anyway, the Colts lost, and my hatred for the jut jawed loser Bill Cowher was born.

            But to reference that Giamatti quote I left hanging up in the third paragraph, this game defined my relationship with the Colts.  The Colts, from this moment on, were designed to build me up, give me hope but then leave me to fall flat on my face once the playoffs hit.  Now since that game there have been a lot of good teams.  Take last year for example, that was probably the best Colt team I'll ever see talent wise.  But they couldn't get it done.  That's been the story with the Colts, I think, since that 1958 championship game that set the team and the NFL on the map.  They blew Superbowl III (a game where they were favored by 19 points) to a vastly inferior Jets team.  They won Superbowl V, a game considered by many to be the sloppiest played Superbowl ever.  The game MVP wasn't even a Colt.  Since then they've lost three AFC championship games in 1971, 1995, and 2003. 

And they've had plenty of chances to build winners too. In 1992 they had the number 1 and number 2 overall picks.  Read that sentence again.  They took Steve Emtman and Quentin Coryatt.  It's okay if you don't know them, I'm stumped too.  They're also the team who drafted Jeff George and Art Schlister.  Art's in prison now, if you were wondering.  And don't get me started on John Elway.  The franchise has had 6 number 1 overall picks in the NFL draft history.  That's more than any NFL franchise ever.   

But despite this, I'm fully expecting the Colts, despite being the better team at home, to lose tomorrow; in fact part of me knows they're going to lose.  Maybe that makes me a bad fan, but I think its better this way, because we all know they're going to screw something up.  Maybe it will be Manning, most likely it will be the defense, or heck maybe Vinatieri is some sort of undercover agent.  But these are the Colts.  They're my Colts, but the Colts nonetheless. 

I still get happy when the horseshoe heads win, and get angry when the horseshoe heads lose.  I wish I didn't care so much, but I do.  And my experience in life has been that in the end, the horseshoe heads always lose.  So I'll prepare myself for the loss - and if by some strange occurrence the Colts finally beat the Pats in a game that matters, then maybe the victory will feel all the sweeter.  

But it probably won't, because if they don't lose this week, I still have a feeling they're going to lose two weeks later, in Miami, even though they'd be the better team.  Because you see, the Colts have always broken my heart; our relationship was designed to break my heart.  If they don't lose, they won't be the Colts, they won't be my Colts.  They won't be the Colts my father and I bonded over, the team that we criticized and moaned about Monday mornings at the kitchen table at 6 in the morning before my brother and mother woke up.  It will mark an ending to a sort of relationship, and ending that would break my heart more than any stupid football team. 

So, umm check back next time I guess, whenever that maybe same Chris-time, same Chris channel.

And GO COLTS!

U

March Madness!

• Key Xanga Moment for WILLIE MCGEE: From 1/6/05 - "Wade and Rhyno got in the hall of fame, and Willie McGee is back for next year. His 26 votes were apparently casted in honor of him being the first Martian ever to play baseball."
• Key Xanga Moment for LEMON MERINGUE PIE: From 1/12/05 - "What the heck is meringue?  And why is it spelled like that when it's said "murh-rang".  What the heck is the "u" doing chilling all up in there.  So when you combine a word like meringue with a dessert that breaks all the rules that make desserts glorious and wonderful what do you get?  A creation so utterly devious, a creation that is just ripe with evilness."

• Key xanga moment for FLAVOR FLAVE (fist raise): From 3/29/05 - "I'm back!  And joining me is my Viking hatted, rapping lyricist pal....raises fist above my head...FLAVA FLAVE!  He apologizes for being a month late, his neck clock was apparently set for the wrong time."
  
• Key xanga moment for GREENLAND: From 1/17/06 - "The best part about Greenland being a prison is that if the prisoners ever escaped they'd escape to Canada.  And no one would care."

• Key Xanga Moment for PRISON BALL:  From 1/6/05 - "I mean the game doesn't even make sense. The kids who get hit will the balls go to prison. The kids who throw the balls get to laugh and strike again. If that's the way it worked it real life 50 Cent would be in jail forever."

• Key Xanga Moment for PEOPLE WHO BUY THE NAMING RIGHTS TO STARS: From 2/9/05 - "Since the light from stars is actually eons old light, the star you buy might have exploded back at the time of the dinosaurs.  How much would that suck?  It would be like buying a blender that was exploded twenty years ago.  (Quick note:  I do not support or promote the giving blenders for Valentines Day.)"

• Key Xanga moment for VINCE, "THE TIGER": From 3/29/05 - "Il Tigre made Republican George look more mouse than elephant.  But now the vote is more difficult.  Do you go with the inane antics of the CGSL?  Or do you prefer the mighty roar of the Tiger?"
• Key Xanga moment for BILL CLINTON: From 2/20/06 - "Sure he did some dishonest things while in office, but hey there could be worse right.  I mean, he could have backed an illegal military coup in Latin America, or went to war with a Middle Eastern country, costing many young men and women their lives, all for an oil vendetta based on bad intelligence.  (Good thing that stuff never happened.)  So rock on Bill, and your booming economy and fairly peaceful presidency, rock on!"

• Key Xanga moment for JARED (THE JERK):  From 1/9/05 - "I hate that Jared guy from subway.  I hate him.  He's one of those guys you want to hit.  If he came anywhere near me with his stupid sandwich I would cross pollinate his face with my fist.  WAMMO!  And I not a violent guy, but they guy just brings the dark side out of me."
• Key Xanga moment for LANCE "DON'T CALL ME SEA" BASS:  From 1/12/05 - Willie knows former *NSYNCHer Lance "Don't Call Me Sea" Bass.  The two know each other from Lance's trip to Mars this summer.  However, Willie was unable to catch up with Lance.  Apparently Lance is with the rest of *NSYNCH, my old teddy bear, and Rudolph on the island of forgotten toys until Justin wants to make another song"

• Key Xanga Moment for the CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE: From 1/22/06 - "A discussion on desserts would not be proper without the use of the word scrumptious. And man are chocolate chip cookies scrumptious. The homemade ones are the best. Is there anything better than warm, homemade, chocolate chip cookies and milk?"
• Key Xanga Moment for COCONUTS: From 1/22/06 - "I'm going to admit it, the coconut is my favorite nut. It's just really, really good. I mean would you rather have a walnut pie? Maybe some peanut pie? Does that sound good? Of course not. Coconuts are the pre-imminent dessert nut, plain and simple."

• Key Xanga Moment for THE CRAZY GYM SUBSTITUTE LADY: From 3/21/05 - "The Sub Lady is not good at jumping jacks, stretching, jogging, or anything gym related.  Chris also likes how Sub Lady talks in the 3rd person.  Chris finds that amusing."
• Key Xanga Moment for JOHN STEVENS: From 1/18/05 - "Speaking of nappy headed boys, I'd like to introduce my special guest of the day, John Stevens. What's your impression of the show so far John?
  John: "Well Chris, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
  Thanks John for your stimulating, as always, comments. We'll bring you back later on for some more thrilling commentary."

• Key Xanga Moment for JERMAINE: From 3/21/06 - "Jermaine, the number one seed, boasts impressive stats.  He currently has the highest PPC (puke per class) ratio and is also the gym leader the following categories:  prison ball kills of freshmen girls, prison ball kills of sophomore girls, prison ball kills of junior girls, prison ball kills of senior girls, and threats to injure gym class girls."
• Key Xanga Moment for PEYTON MANNING: From 1/9/06 - "Comparing McNabb to Manning is like comparing Nestle chocolate to Hershey chocolate.  I mean Nestle chocolate is good, and Crunch Bars are really good, but the chocolate kind of waxy and thick.  But Hershey chocolate - that stuff is just pure goodness.  I mean is there anything better than a Hershey kiss?  Nestle chocolate is good with other stuff (TO), but Hershey chocolate can carry itself on its own."

Ladies, gentlemen, people who fill in the "other" box when asked what race you are on surveys, welcome back to my xanga.  This is a very special xanga, the first annual special President's Day Commemorative Entry!  That's right; today I'm dedicating this entry to all those wonderful men who have served our country in the office of President.  FDR, Abe, Georgie - this one's for you!  And to honor all you great guys, I've decided to countdown my 10 favorite presidents.  Now faithful readers don't leave now!  Stick around, you may learn something.  Probably not, but you never know.  So sit back, enjoy some ice cream (brought to the U.S. by first lady Dolly Madison!), and enjoy!

CHRIS'S TOP 10 FAVORITE PRESIDENTS..............EVER!

10.)  Rutherford Birchard Hayes (19^th President):  Good old Rutherfraud, as his friends called him, was our nation's 19th president.  The dude had style, grace, and one wicked awesome beard.  Sure he didn't win his election fairly, but what does it matter that he barley eked out victory in Florida, giving him the electoral votes needed to win, even though there was some serious vote counting problems going on.  I mean, without R-Unit how could we learn from our mistakes?  Plus his wife, Lemonade Lucy, wouldn't serve booze in the white house!  He might've been a big, lucky stiff and a loser to the rest of the world, but on this blog, he's a hero.  Rutherfraud, this non-alcoholic O’Doul’s is for you!

9.)  William Howard Taft (27^th President):  So what if George was the first president, who cares Honest Abe preserved the Union?  Sure these were great things, but did either of these two guys get stuck in a bathtub?  Well Willie Taft did, the Secret Service had to sledgehammer the poor guy out.  Now here in Chris Land, home of Top 10 dessert lists and Anti-Jaredness, how could we leave a fellow like Taft of the list?  Here's some well overdo recognition to a guy who was not only stuck in a bathtub, but stuck in our hearts.

8.)  Calvin Coolidge (30^th President):  This dude never talked, to anybody.  In fact one lady bet Cal that she could get more that two words out of him.  His response, "You lose."  Not only was this guy quiet and debonair, he clearly had a way with the ladies.  If only more presidents were like him, and just shut up, so they didn't say stupid things.

7.)  Chester Allen Arthur (21^st President):  For those of you that know me, I'm sure you're aware of my love for sideburns.  Mutton chops, pointy triangle boys, even those crazy Star Trek pencil looking things, I love them all.  And no president ever had greater sideburns than Chester.  And while great sideburns alone allow you to make the list, the reason that Chester is number 7 is for the sweet way he connected the sideburns with his mustache.  Bikers and contestants on the Jerry Springer show really owe their identities to this great, but forgotten, man and president.

6.)  James Earl Carter Jr. (39^th President):  I had the pleasure of meeting Jimmy (or sitting in an auditorium while Jimmy spoke but whatever) and let me tell you this, the dude is smart.  Sure he talks in the slow southern drawl, and maybe he didn't do such a great job as President, but he's really intelligent, and did some great things after he lost the election to Ronald "Ketchup is a Vegetable" Reagan.  We need to give the guy some respect.  Also, he's a hero to flat-footed people everywhere, becoming the first openly flat-footed president.  No we all know the reason that I was never the greatest basketball player to hoop it up in Glassboro history was because of my flat feet, but Jimmy is the guy who inspired me to look past my disability.  Jimmy even rolled his feet on coke bottles to try and give himself arches, so he could join the Navy!  To quote my good buddy John, Jimmy Carter is truly "a man among men."

5.)  Grover Cleveland (22^nd & 24^th President):  Simply the greatest president to share his namesake with a blue flurry puppet.  He was also a player, the first president to get married while in office.   And he was born in the greatest state in the United States, New Jersey.   And to top it all off, he’s the greatest footnote to history - the only present to win two non-consecutive terms.  The guy won, then ran against Benny Harrison and lost, and then, showing that tough Jersey spirit, came back to beat Benny H in the next round.  To recap...Sesame Street (check), pimp daddy (check), Jersey (check), never die attitude (check).  Yup, while Grover Cleveland was not the greatest president ever, he sure was the greatest footnote to history that lived.

4.)  John Quincy Adams (6^th President):  Let’s start with his birth.  He was born in Braintree Massachusetts.  How'd they come up with a name like Braintree?  Like did the townspeople all get together, and try and come up with the worst name for a town ever.  I can see the town meeting...
"We need a name for our fair town!"
"Aye!  What about Springfield."
"I say nay! Your name is as dumb as you are fat good sir!"
"I have an idea good sir, let’s throw the dictionary against the wall twice, and whatever guidewords are on the page it opens to, will be the name of our fair town."
"Brilliant!" <Ale mugs clink.>
That's the only reasonable way they could have named that town.  But John Adams, J.Q.'s father was also born in Braintree, so why isn't he on the list, you may ask.  Well the answer is simple.  John Quincy was the first president to wear sideburns, and any pioneer like that is a hero in my book.

3.)  David Rice Atchinson (“12^th President):  Never heard of him, well here's the story.  1849, last day of Jimmy Polk's reign as president.  The next president, Zachary Taylor, didn't want to get sworn in on a Sunday, so he waited a day, leaving the US presidentless for a day.  Or not.  Davy was the pres-pro-temp, so he was next in line to be the big man, and spent one day as prez.  But he slept through it, because he had a little too much booze at Jimmy Polk's "end of Presidency party".  That just goes to show you, don't drink too much, you might become president and never know it!

2.)  Millard Fillmore (13^th President):  How many presidents do you know that killed a major political party?  Well if you know Millard than you know the only one.  While some presidents get cool nicknames like Old Rough and Ready, and Old Tippecanoe, Millard was stuck with the moniker "Killer of the Whigs" because he pretty much screwed up the greatest party known to man.  So in two years, when you’re stuck choosing between only two candidates, you have Millard to thank that you don't have to choose between three boring, dull, candidates.

And number 1 is………………

1.)  William Jefferson Clinton (42^nd President):  He was the man.  Seriously, like the only president who you would hang out with.  He shot hoops, ate Mickey D's, played the sax, and played sweet practical jokes on Dubya (like taking all the "W" keys off the computers in the White House.)  Sure he did some dishonest things while in office, but hey there could be worse right.  I mean, he could have backed an illegal military coup in Latin America, or went to war with a Middle Eastern country, costing many young men and women their lives, all for an oil vendetta based on bad intelligence.  (Good thing that stuff never happened.)  So rock on Bill, and your booming economy and fairly peaceful presidency, rock on!

Well that’s all I wrote.  Remember that the views expressed in this xanga in no way reflect upon the beliefs of Xanga and Willie McGee.  Hope you enjoyed and a happy Presidents day to you and yours!  Be sure to check back later...Same Chris-Time, same Chris-Channel!